I wish I had the answer key for this one. I’m sure many of use do. Being an adult is hard. As children, there were so many things we couldn’t wait to do when we got older. Somehow, we all just believed that because we we too young there weren’t going to be any barriers or people who would stand in our way. No more “Nos”. No more goals blocked. The world would be open to us. I definitely remembered this feeling while I was in college. Away from my family and hometown. In a new city with new people and free to do what I wanted. But that wasn’t always the case; it was just a new city with different barriers and different faces to block my goals.
There were peers who used me to get their scripts and films into production and edited because I was too kind and naive to be friendly in the unfamiliar setting ( I was a transfer student). And there were professors who played favorites when it came to my final senior film project–that was needed for graduation.
They allowed peers from the class to leave my crew the week before my production dates to be extras on someone else’s set. While I was left with a skeleton crew, lost a ton of money and actors who weren’t sure they would be available for when ever I rescheduled the shoot.
That experience still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. And it made me not want to be involved with film production or anything that was related to it for a really long time. In a few months, it’ll be ten years since I experienced that traumatic event. The wound isn’t as fresh but the scarred tissue is sensitive to the touch.
While not on the same tier as that when it comes to this blog, I found I had lost my joy when it came to the reviews I was doing. I’ve always had the ability to find interest in reading material when it came to school. When I felt the urge to catch-up on reading for fun, I was inspired to create this space.
I was convinced that having this blog, I would be able to read so many great things, feel like I was a part of community and talk with readers who loved to read just as much as me. But the more attention my blog got and the more material gifted or offered to me started to make reading feel like a chore or work. I feel into the longest reading slump after that. It wasn’t until I joined BokTok that I realized I’ve been a mood reader this whole time! lol It’s part of the reason I stopped with my review posts.
In fact, this has been my first blog post in years and I have to admit that it has been the first real solid thing I have “written” in some time. Admitting that makes me feel strange. I never thought I would lose that part of myself, but I did. This space I created here was not only to explore writing reviews for books and shows. It was meant to be a space to peel back layers and express myself; however awkward or embarrassing it might be.
There have been so many changes in my life: physically, mentally and emotionally. I wish there were easier words to convey all of those changes but the list is too long and the emotions behind them are too great, too raw.
I guess this is my first post since my hiatus to convince myself and anyone else who happens to find it that achievements are only measurable by the specific goals you set for yourself. If we get “lost in the sauce,” over the achievements of others we might compare ourselves to then we will never be happy. We will never feel we have accomplished anything, ever.
When in reality, we have accomplished so much. And when we are able to tick off the smaller things on our lists on our bad days, our accomplishments are twice-fold.
I decided in January of this year that I would aim to post reviews here as often as I felt like through out the year. But not to hold myself to the standard of other bloggers or reviewers because I am reading again! And more than anything, I really don’t want to lose the joy it brings me again.
I am happy to be back.
Happy Monday and Happy Reading.
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